Thursday, January 7, 2010

The Guy Who Wanted to Date My Sister

I don't have a picture of the guy who tried to pick up my little sister on New Year's Eve, but based upon how she has described him to me, he seems to be in this general ballpark. Which isn't exactly true, because Al Pacino and Steven Bauer were cool in Scarface, but the guy I am about to write about is not cool.

Hi, Everybody! (Hello to all five readers of my blog site.) Hope everybody is having a fine New Year, so far. Happy 2010.

It's been about three months since my last blog entry; even though my friends continually tell me that I'm supposed to be blogging every day, "so that people will learn about me, as a writer," I couldn't figure out what to write about for the last twelve weeks, and I didn't want to fall into the trap of writing a lame movie review ("Wow, Avatar was good, but Crazy Heart sucked"), or some stupid, uninformed political rant.

But today, life gave me a blog entry, and to be more accurate, my charming/industrious/beautiful little sister (we're grown-ups, but she'll always be my little sister) told me about a guy she met at a party on New Year's Eve. She immediately pegged this poseur as a dork (he was, apparently, a muscle-bound Hollywood promoter-type) and, in fact, the first thing this guy tried to do, was to curry favor with her by informing her that his father produced Debbie Does Dallas. When my appropriately grossed-out sister asked this strutting cock, quite hesitatingly, what he himself did for a living, he replied "business," and he actually winked and made the fingers of his two hands into 'quote signs' when he uttered the word 'business.'

Reluctantly, my sister gave Guido Greaseball her cell number (which she did mostly to get rid of him) and, of course, he proceeded to text her a bunch of times, yesterday. She read their text 'conversation' to me this afternoon, and even though I thought I would never write about something corny like 'dating experiences' on my blog, I asked her if she could please transcribe their entire text conversation and email it to me, so that I could publish it.

A couple of hours ago, my sister transcribed her text conversation into an email, which she begins as follows: "This is an actual transcription of a text conversation with a guy I met briefly on New Year's Eve. It may explain why I'm still single." Here is the entire text conversation between my sister and this goofy narcicist, in toto. I have made a few very slight corrections for clarity -- the brackets and italics are mine, the happy face-emoticon at the end is my sister's, taken from her transcription. Mostly, though, I have tried to preserve most of the silly text-grammar/syntax/lingo. It's short and sweet and, as you read, you'll notice that this preening, sister-stalking creep actually believes that Santa Barbara is "wine country." He also happens to be the only straight man in the world who utilizes the word "yummy" in a serious way. Anyway, Enjoy:

Guy: So! Museum? Drinks? Dinner?... Car wash?

My Sister: I do need a car wash.

Guy: I am pre-paid at the car wash in Sherman Oaks anytime you'd like. Any other choices?

My Sister: A drink?

Guy: Now you're talking. You, me, and truth serum. Yummy! When?

My Sister: Sunday?

Guy: Hmmm. You are more popular than I imagined! I could be available. How about the Getty Museum, overlooking the ocean, and a glass of wine. 1 hr before sunset? Or, you suggest.

My Sister: My birthday is next week, so I have a busy week.

Guy: To me, "birthday celebration" means I take you to Santa Barbara, and we drink wine in wine country. For that, I need you Saturday and Sunday. Ride bikes on the beach, nice dinner, get toasted. We will ride up the coast in my convertible Jag.

Guy [2 minutes later, when my sister didn't respond to his previous message]: But if it's too soon for that, why don't you give me Saturday night and I take you to fancy dinner and music and drinking. When is your birthday?

My Sister: A week from today.

Guy: Can I assume you don't have a boyfriend? You know, I liked you from the moment I saw you. Why don't you take a little chance with me and let's meet for something right away.

My Sister: Let's stick to drinks on Sunday.

Guy: Yes, I am sexual, but that is not my agenda. I have options. I liked you and we should get to know each other more. I would love to make your birthday special, but we should meet up first. Can we meet sooner than Sunday??? What about drinks tonight? What about Friday or Saturday? I will move things to see you!!!!

[Five minutes later, after my sister does not respond to the guy's previous text:]

Guy: ????????????

My Sister: You seem like a nice guy, but I don't think we're a match. Take care.

Guy: Wow, you are bipolar!


Chuck Zigman, the owner/operator of this blog, fancies himself to be a fancypants screenwriter, and he is also the author of a new book, the entertainment biography WORLD'S COOLEST MOVIE STAR: THE COMPLETE 95 FILMS (AND LEGEND) OF JEAN GABIN ( He has written articles for New Times Los Angeles, Hollywood Stock,, and Cult Movies Magazine.