Friday, December 18, 2015

Share a Coke with Fuck You!

SHARE A COKE WITH FUCK YOU! BY CHUCK ZIGMAN, OCTOBER 14, 2015 How about these new Coke cans? "Share a Coke with a Champ!" "Share a Coke with a Team-Player!" "Share a Coke with a Winner!" Why don't they have realistic Coke cans that say what people really are:

 "Share a Coke with a Victim!"

 "Share a Coke with a Whiner!"  "Share a Coke with a Fraud!"  "Share a Coke with a Busybody!"  "Share a Coke with a Thief!"  "Share a Coke with a Racist!"  "Share a Coke with a Violent Abuser!"  "Share a Coke with Someone with No Self-Control!"  "Share a Coke with a Drop-Out!"  "Share a Coke with an Apathetic Person!"  "Share a Coke with an Intolerant Liberal or an Intolerant Conservative!"  "Share a Coke with Someone who Settled!"  "Share a Coke with a Paranoid!"  "Share a Coke with Your Unfulfilled Dreams!"  "Share a Coke with a Lemming who Lines Up to Buy the Newest Digital Junk!"  "Share a Coke with The People on the Bandwagon!"  "Share a Coke with Someone who Blames Other People!"  "Share a Coke with Your Sadness!"  "Share a Coke with Someone who Uses you to Get Something!"  "Share a Coke with a Liar!"  "Share a Coke with a Manipulator!"  "Share a Coke with an Entitled Person!"  "Share a Coke with Someone Who Brazenly Jumps in Front of you and Steals your Opportunity, but then it Backfires on Him, and you Didn't Get Anywhere, but he Didn't Get Anywhere, Either -- Ha-Ha!!!"  "Share a Coke with Somebody who Badmouths You Behind Your Back!"  "Share a Coke with an Ego-Maniac!"  "Share a Coke with People who Stand by and Don't Help When Somebody Gets Hurt!"  "Share a Coke with Empty People who Talk Your Ear Off and Completely Drain You, While They Give Nothing in Return!"  "Share a Coke with Disgusting Criminals who Sink the Economy by not Paying Back their Student Loans and not Paying their Taxes!"  "Share a Coke with Too-'Educated' People who Think that Things which are Actually Real are Really Just 'a construct.'"  "Share a Coke with a Delusional Person who Thinks his Obnoxious A.D.D. Kid that he and the Kid's Teachers Can't Control is Actually a Genius!"  "Share a Coke with Some Spoiled Roundheels College Girl who Thinks that My Tax Money Should Pay for her Birth Control!"  "Share a Coke with Our Leaders who go to War for Oil, but Decide not to Interfere in a Country in which Genocide is Regularly Committed Against Women and Children!"  "Share a Coke with Fast Food that's Giving Everybody Diabetes!"  "Share a Coke with the Guilt-Ridden!"  "Share a Coke with an Insomniac!"  "Share a Coke with Someone who Lives in Fear!"  "Share a Coke with an Enabler!"  "Share a Coke with a Lady who Thinks her Pet is her 'Kid'!"  "Share a Coke with an Addict who Trades One Addiction for Another, but nobody Calls him on it!"  "Share a Coke with the Impotent!"  "Share a Coke with your Genitals!"  "Share a Coke with Someone who has been so Systematically Beaten Down by Life, that he Can No Longer Bounce Back!"  "Share a Coke with Hitler!"  "Share a Coke with Kim Davis!"  "Share a Coke with Bill Cosby! (But don't let him near the Coke, or he will put a quaalude in it!)"  "Share a Coke with a College Shooter!"  "Share a Coke with ISIS!"  "Share a Coke with a Convict!"  "Share a Coke with People who Think that DJ's Spinning Electronic Dance Music is Actually 'Music'!"  "Share a Coke with Binge-Watching!"  "Share a Coke with a Tease!"  "Share a Coke with a Man that Turned into a Lady!"  "Share a Coke with a Twentysomething Trust Fund Kid who Wears Thrift Store Clothes and Pretends to be Poor -- Especially any White Person who Pretends to be 'Grungy' and 'Street.'!"  "Share a Coke with Someone who Probably won't Have Anything to Eat Tomorrow!"  "Share a Coke with Someone Who Lives in a Tent on Eighth Street!"  "Share a Coke with Anyone who has any Kind of Agenda or Angle!"  "Share a Coke with Ingrates who Use Profanity Around their Kids and Their Kids Use it Around them (ick! creeps!)!"  "Share a Coke with People who Push Their Kids to Succeed and Force them to Do Boring 'Extra-Curriculars,' Because When They Were Kids Themselves, They were Lazy Stoners and They Have to Make Up for It!"  "Share a Coke with Unhappy People who want to Bring You Down to their Level!" "Share a Coke with Someone who Wasted Your Time!"  "Share a Coke with anybody who Develops An Offbeat 'Persona!'"  "Share a Coke with Someone who Self-Medicates!"  "Share a Coke with Someone who Thinks he Deserves a Fancy Career, Because of Her Culture or Gender!"  "Share a Coke with a Pretentious Academic who Lives Up in his Own Head and Loves Theory!"  "Share a Coke with People who Send You Mixed Signals Because they have Been Hurt by Life, and Now, on Some Subconscious Level that they Don't Even Understand, they are Going to Hurt You!"  "Share a Coke with a Big-Haired/Happy-Toothed Realtor who Puts a Sign with a Picture of his Face on Your Front Lawn! Wouldn’t you like to stab him through the fucking face with that sign?"  "Share a Coke with Bullying Labor Unions that Take Your Dues Money but Don’t Help You!"  "Share a Coke with Some Blowhard who Tries to Give You his 'Opinion.'"  "Share a Coke with a Spineless Person who Apologizes for his Opinion!"  "Share a Coke with a Person who Rationalizes his Behavior!"  "Share a Coke with a Plagiarist!"  "Share a Coke with a Hypocrite Boss who is Against Bullying in School, but who Happily Bullies His Adult Employees at the Same Time and he Probably Drives a Prius!"  "Share a Coke with a Jerk who Thinks the World Owes him Something!"  "Share a Coke with Your Rage!"  "Share a Coke with Your Crippling Shyness!"  "Share a Coke with Someone While he's Doing Coke!"  "Share a Coke with Your Food Stamps!"  "Share a Coke with Cancer!"  "Share a Coke with a Media that Creates Fear and Makes Us Feel Inadequate!"  "Share a Coke with a Passive-Aggressive Person!"  "Share a Coke with a Know-It-All!"  "Share a Coke with a Self-Deprecating Doormat!"  "Share a Coke with Your Inertia!"  "Share a Coke with Living in the Past!"  "Share a Coke with Your Shame!"  "Share a Coke with Those Real-Life Zombies who Want to Push their Made-Up Beliefs About Food or the Environment or Disease or Vaccinations on You!"  “Share a Coke with Someone who Tells His Kids not to Get into a Car with Strangers, but then he Takes Uber?”  "Share a Coke with Fracking!"  "Share a Coke with Global Warming!"  "Share a Coke with People who Tell You what you 'Can't' Do in Life!"  "Share a Coke with Soulless People who Married for Security Instead of Love and then, Years Later, Complain that they're not Happy and Fulfilled!"  "Share a Coke with People who Poison the Environment!"  "Share a Coke with People who Poke a Hole in Your Condom, to Trap You!"  "Share a Coke with a Blackmailer!"  "Share a Coke with an Aging Hippie Communist who Hates People that Make Profits, Because he is Actually Jealous that he wasn't Smart Enough to Figure Out How to Make a Profit!"  "Share a Coke with People who Donate to Charity Just Because It's a Write-Off!" "Share a Coke with a Dumptruck who Exclaims, 'I Don't Eat too Much! It's My Thyroid!'"  "Share a Coke with People who Pass Their Neuroses on to Their Children!"  "Share a Coke with Hairplugs!"  "Share a Coke with Wimpy, Chinless Adult Child-Men who Like to Go to Conventions and Dress-Up Like Superheroes Because they Feel Increasingly Powerless in a Castrating Neo-Feminist World!"  "Share a Coke with Those Copycats who Like to Use Today's Newest Catchphrase!"  "Share a Coke with Weak-Willed People who have Turned God into a Parent!"  "Share a Coke with Creepy Losers who Ask You if They Can 'Borrow' Money!" "Share a Coke with Vultures who Want to Ride Your Coattails!"  "Share a Coke with a Climber!"  'Share a Coke with a No-Talent Person with Nepotism!"  "Share a Coke with People who are Trying to Redefine Traditional Cultural Norms and Values that Were Actually Fine to Begin With!"  "Share a Coke with your Man-Bun and your Lumberjack Beard!"  "Share a Coke with the Unloved Family Black Sheep who Bleats, 'Your Friends are Your Family!'"  "Share a Coke with People who Waste Your Time!"  "Share a Coke with Your Type 2 Diabetes and Your Failing Eyesight!"  "Share a Coke with Someone who Says, 'Why Don't You Jews Just Forget About the Holocaust already?'"  "Share a Coke with the Greedy!"  "Share a Coke with People who Realize that Life is Long Enough!"  "Share a Coke with Cataracts!"  "Share a Coke with Your Wheelchair!"  “Share a Coke with Dialysis!”  "Share a Coke with a Delusional Person who Tells you About her Awful Screenplay Projects!"  "Share a Coke with Welfare!"  "Share a Coke with Viagra!"  "Share a Coke with Gluten!"  “Share a Cock with…” (Oh, wait, that shit is for Adult FriendFinder…)  "Share a Coke with Beggars who Raise Money on Kickstarter!"  "Share a Coke with a Pepsi!"  "Share a Coke with an Emotional Cripple!"  "Share a Coke with Anybody who Would Actually Deign to Hang Out with any of the Distant Acquaintances he 'Knows' on Facebook!"  "Share a Coke with Slow, Lingering, Painful Death in a Hospital with Nobody Around You!"  "Share a Coke with Eternity!"  "Share a Coke with a Snarky-but-Sweet, Lazy Narcissist with Low Self-Esteem" (ME!!)"

This, after all, is what human nature is “all ‘bout!” So why aren't we seeing it on our soda cans? As we all know, soda is completely delicious, especially when it's hot outside, and I know that I personally would definitely buy a lot more of it, if its cans told the truth! Wouldn't you?! Well, that's just something to chew on! Goodnight!

No comments:

Post a Comment